Author: Stephen James

Its been a full on week. A combination of unexpected hiccups, a long day trip to visit ageing parents, demanding work, and so on. Not much space between.

In what little time there has been to stop and think, I’ve been pondering the relationship between stuff that happens, mental processing, journaling and blogging . Most days I have gone to write something in my journal(Obsidian), from which blog posts tend to originate, but have found I am too tired to write.

Usually there is a flow that goes something like: event>mental processing>journaling>blogging. Events can be either external things that occur or internal trains of thought, research and so on.

That flow happens along a spectrum where, at one end very little happens, either externally(which is rare) or internally(which never happens. Way too much going on in my head is the default), to the other end where too much is going on.

If not enough is going on then I’m unlikely to journal or blog. If too much is going on, like this week, I can’t process anything and so, again, I am unlikely to journal of blog.

So there has to be a sweet spot in the middle, where there is enough mental stimulation to promote creative thought, and enough space to balance the stimulation to allow that processing and creativity to occur. The Goldilocks zone.

This past week has definitely not been in that zone. That’s ok every now and then but I’ll be happy to get back into that sweet spot.

I can’t recall which day it was, but shortly after getting my prescription of beta-blockers, I tried one while relaxing one evening, as per my doctor’s instructions. No bad side effects, I might have felt slightly swimmy-headed for a short while, so I don’t think I need concern myself with whether or not to use them in future.

While talking with my wife about anxiety the other day, I was describing a particular scenario, quite a banal one, and how my thoughts were spinning off in all directions, running through all the possible negative outcomes that could occur. Her response was ‘Really?!? You actually think all this stuff?’ It’s this sort of conversation that reminds me that the way anxiety is so embedded into my thinking that it is kind of normal for me. Normal, it most definitely ain’t, but having lived with it for as far back as I can remember it’s easy to forget that for the majority, this is not the way they think.

When I originally went to the doctor in 2019 he screened me for Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and if I can put it this way, I passed with flying colours. Because I’d gone to see him originally about social anxiety and that was what my CBT was specifically for, I somehow didn’t quite take on board that my particular version of anxiety was broader than that. I think as well that I tend to think there must be so many people with it far worse than I have, that I’m not sure whether I have the genuine article. I mentioned this to my wife and her response was along the lines of ‘we all know you have it bad!’

Talking to my doctor the other day, I described a period about 18 months ago where I felt worse. He asked what did my family think of where I was at with it all at the time. I told him that they had really noticed my irritability had reared its head again. It’s not the first time I’ve heard of a doctor asking for the opinion of family members on the state of a loved one. I guess that medical professionals know that those close to someone with a mental health condition have a perspective that can sometimes see with a greater objectivity what is going on than that of the person with the condition. At the end of the day, as a result rather than a cause, a distorted perspective is arguably at the heart of most, if not all, mental health conditions.

Getting a puppy last summer inevitably meant that other things that regularly took up my time would be put aside, temporarily at least. Now she is nearly a year old looking after her is a bit less of a regime.

Recently, I’ve been aware that anxiety has been ramping up to a more intrusive level. My family have noticed as well, commenting on an increase in irritability. I haven’t been sleeping so well either, and this is probably caused by the anxiety and of course doesn’t help with the very same anxiety.

The two above factors have prompted me to start doing regular fitness activities again. Having the puppy really meant there was no time to fit any regular exercise in besides what I did with her. But, my habit had fallen off the radar long before that. I can’t even recall when that happened actually. Probably a gradual erosion or setting it aside because of competing pressures and, ironically, anxieties.

I’m starting small. Just a short run and a short bike ride per week. Nothing that will loom too large in my mind. I’m so prone to leaping in with both feet, excited by the novelty and buzz of learning something new, only to find my enthusiasm drained by anxiety and thwarted perfectionism.

Finished Envious Casca by Georgette Heyer. The most enjoyable of her crime novels that I’ve read so far. Particularly waspish and funny. And a genuine moment of shock, insofar as what is pretty cozy crime can shock, as the ‘how’ is revealed.

I had a discussion last week with my doctor to review my meds. I’m going to stick with the antidepressants for now and review again in a year. However, he recommended that I also have some beta-blockers to be used as required for particularly anxiety-inducing situations. He suggested that I try one during the evening when I’m relaxing just to see if there are any unpleasant side effects or not.

The thing is, I wonder why the doctor who first prescribed me the antidepressants, different to the one I spoke with last week, didn’t recommend the beta-blockers from the get go? They could have been very useful in the early stages of dealing with the anxiety and doing the CBT. Ho hum.

I’ve realised I’m falling into the same trap again with blogging, that of wanting to write longer posts but not doing so because I find the mental effort required incompatible with the time I have available at any given moment. So shorter posts is what tends to get done.

Meanwhile, my idea to write a short post about what is on my mind regarding a bigger topic, and then following it up with further short posts as my thoughts develop on said topic, isn’t really happening.

Thinking about this though, I realise with hyperlinks and comments a two-way thread can be created. That way, regardless of which post someone comes upon initially, the whole thread can be traced back to it’s beginning and through to the end.

I’ve been itching to get a new post out on the blog but family and work commitments have kept me very busy for the last week.

Sometimes I have nothing much to say, other times there is lots going on and lots to write but not enough time. It doesn’t really matter either way.

I’m thinking about whether to ditch the Strandlines domain in favour of my name. Strandlines doesn’t really mean anything as such. I’m not sure. I think I’ve got another 18 months or thereabouts to run on it so no hurry.

Have been meaning to post books read here. I keep forgetting.

I listened to Ian McEwan’s Lessons just recently. Bit of a marathon. I don’t think I’d have got through it if I read it. Not that it’s a difficult read, just a lot of it. The broad sweep of one man’s life. Quite effective but it felt a bit like McEwen was trying to fit every event of historical note into it. But a lot of humanity.

Looking back at my use of Obsidian over the last 6 weeks or so, I am surprised, in a good way, at just how much I’ve been using it. I have had a lot of thoughts regarding my current pet subject and have been able to note them down very easily and promptly by using Obsidian.

I will often go through a period of intense research and thinking around a topic that currently has my attention, and this is just such one instance. I can’t sustain the process indefinitely so it will inevitably run out of steam at some point. When that does finally happen, it’s reassuring to know I will have something to show for it.

In the past I’ve often been frustrated not to have collected all those ideas for going through later. On this occasion, and I say it cautiously as there have been many false starts, I may have landed on a system that will quickly become my go to thought bucket. I just hope the novelty of using a it won’t wear off, as has happened frequently in the past. Dare I say it, because Obsidian is easy to use out of the box and so lacks the novelty to the same degree that some systems have that I’ve tried, maybe that won’t be an issue.

I’m not sure how many years ago it was that I first watched Beasts of the Southern Wild, but it lodged itself in my mind as an all time favourite.

Watched it again over the weekend and it is gratifying to find that it remains as mesmerising as ever.