I’m glad it’s the weekend and I can have a lie in. This last week was supposed to be straightforward but haha, not so.
Thursday afternoon, I had an unexpected change to my day which threw the good old anxiety into overdrive. The first time in a while that I have had such a big reaction and it left me exhausted. It all ran over into Friday where every small thing seemed imbued with far greater stress and significance than was really the case. On top of that, an email from my parents about their plans has set off alarm bells for my siblings and I.
Last night, I went to bed at 8:30pm, as I couldn’t stay awake. A restless night but overall feel better today. Going to take it slow today.
Back in April I said I’d write about my experience with CBT. And I have tried many times to do so. The Summer of Weirdness has made it very difficult to find the headspace to reflect on anything, let alone something as intense as therapy. I’ve decided it’s just too much to try and go back and unpick my thoughts in detail about it, but for what it’s worth, here’s a brief summary.
I have very mixed feelings about doing the course. Some of the theory was very helpful, some of it pushed me into territory I really wasn’t sure I was ready for. And while I can appreciate the principle of putting into practice the techniques learned, by their very nature they increase anxiety, at least in the short term. This then means having to add that extra anxiety onto that which day to day life already involves. In my head, the process created a sharp increase in anxiety with no foreseeable end to it.
If I wasn’t working, perhaps I could dedicate more time to it, but the reality is that there is little extra time in the day to fit the ‘work’ of CBT in. Excuses? Maybe. On the other hand, CBT is not for everyone.
Shared some of my experiences of anxiety with a close family member yesterday. Feel horribly exposed about even though the conversation went ok. Very much in two minds about the benefit of doing so.
If I’m honest, I have to admit that part of the reason I will listen to so many podcasts is so I don’t have to listen to the stream of negative horseshit that my mind seems to produce if left to its own devices. Something to work on there, methinks.
In the last two days I’ve seen and/or heard kingfishers in two different locations. They do seem to get very vocal at this time of year. Not sure why. Such an amazing bird.
I have learned a lot since becoming a father, but one of the things that has been most painful to learn is that men can get postpartum depression too.
I am grateful to those who can write or speak honestly about their battle with mental illness. The above post from Sameer Vasta popped up in my feed today. It isn’t easy to be open about the things that go on in our heads, but what I can say to those who do, it is so valuable. Thank you.
Am finding that my time spent on meditation seems to be a cue for my brain to run through lists.