Author: Stephen James

Having found a way to [journal that works for me](https://strandlines.blog/2022/02/01/ideas_sandbox/) is good. Now, my aim is find a way to blog in the manner that I want. I’ve dispensed with the idea of posting about my mental health in the way that I thought I wanted to. I didn’t feel comfortable with that and so ended up rarely posting *anything* relating to anxiety and depression. That is where my journal comes in. Too much time spent trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Along with the things that I currently post, I would like to post about mental health things that I *do* feel comfortable with and longer pieces on whatever particular issues have got me thinking.

And there are lots of things I do think about. It’s just a case of capturing those thoughts, allowing them to distil into something coherent and writing about them while I have the motivation and focus.

Brain > journal > blog. Something like that.

A trip to the vet for our dog today. Just for a check up and to issue a prescription for diazepam to sedate him post-seizure, as and when any further ones occur.

Interestingly, the vet said that because he doesn’t exhibit any behavioural changes between seizures, it is unlikely to be a brain tumour, after all. More likely, the first seizure/stroke caused some damage that is triggering the subsequent seizures.She also said he is quite happy, no sign of depression, neither is he in any pain.

So we continue, a day at a time.

For several months I’ve been journaling much more regularly than in any my previous attempts. As a repository for ideas of my own, or things I come across, it has an immediacy that a blog lacks.

Without the need to create something that others can comprehend it is a sandbox for thoughts and reflections.

The more I learn about Stoicism the more I get the sense that a lot of it is about bringing objectivity to bear on how we look at the world and ourselves.

And the more I realise how much people(ie me) allow the stories we tell ourselves to cloud our view.

I am running into more people I know that have either had Covid or had to isolate over the last month, than at any other time during the pandemic.

Various appointments or meet ups cancelled and several of my son’s classmates have had to take time off.

It feels like there is an inevitability to catching it sooner or later. Not fatalism, but rather mental preparation for being stuck at home when I’d rather not.

I followed the Ashes to a degree. The time difference plus the car-crash of a performance from England blunted my enthusiasm. If there was one positive to choose from, and there weren’t many, I’d say it was Mark Wood’s bowling. He just kept on running in. Whatever else was going on. So I’m glad he finally got his haul of wickets. He deserved it.

I just long for a properly contested Test. That actually runs into the fifth day. I shall dream…

Whether it’s books, TV series, blogging, or whatever, I am having to accept that my interest in something cycles. I always tell myself that consistency is what I ‘should’ aim for. But the reality is that I dive into something with enthusiasm for a time and then all motivation drains away.

Take, for example Robert Wright’s Why Buddhism is True. Started it months ago. Completely fascinated by what he has to say. Got half way through. Haven’t touched it now for maybe six weeks. I can’t muster the effort at the moment. But why was it so easy to start with?

I know I will return to it in due course. I’d like to learn to tell myself that’s just fine.