I’ve been trying to get all my photos in to the same location. Or locations.

Makes me realise that I have a shitload of photos. And also a load of shit photos.

It’s the curse of digital. It’s got me thinking about film again.

Whenever anxiety gets the better of me the urge to do something, usually physical, is very strong. Often that can result in a flurry of frantic activity, poor decision making and irritability with those around me. All of which, surprise surprise, only feeds the fire.

Running is proving to be a good alternative outlet for that energy. I’ve always known that some sort of physical exertion has helped but allowing a run, or even a walk, to be a conduit for dispelling anxiety is really helping.

This last week or so has been a good example. I mentioned two curved balls a few days ago; a valuable if frustrating contract for the business is unexpectedly coming to an end, and I learnt that my mum is more unwell than we previously understood.

Being able to go for a run or a long walk has proven to be a really good way of burning off all the nervous energy that’s been kicking around.

One of those days where not one, but two curved balls come your way. One unexpected but not entirely surprising, one that I knew about but has suddenly taken a turn that I didn’t see coming. One related to work and one related to a family member.

I’m reminding myself that in Stoic parlance they are both ‘dispreferred indifferents’. Which is an amusingly dispassionate term, but I do get it. Given that both things have emotionally drained me, and will do so for some time to come, I hope my interest in Stoicism will come in use.

I just looked back through posts from previous summers to see if and how often I mention sleep and energy levels through the height of summer. There are a couple of mentions.

Compared to the rest of the year it feels like it’s a different state, although without any records of my sleeping hours I can’t be sure. Regardless, there is this period during the summer when the nights are short where, on the one hand, I want to be awake, to take in all that the long days have to offer, and on the other, I slowly feel more and more drained.

Stuff that I do slowly gets paired down to the bare essentials. The things I like to do make way for the things I have to do. For example, posting here has tailed off completely for about 3 weeks. I have had things to post about but haven’t been able to muster the energy to write.

Weirdly, the running has continued. It’s really just a case of putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t need to engage my brain so much. And it helps my mood in a big way. So maybe the drain of energy is more mental than physical.

Needed an easy run this morning so before it got too warm I headed out with the young Spaniel for her first proper run. Stuck to the lanes, did 5k. I think she could have gone around again easily. Just have to build her up slowly.

Very pleased to see the Women’s Ashes is getting the same coverage as the men’s and they get a 5 day test.

That’s been an enjoyable first Ashes Test. Actually went to 5 days. No major collapses so balanced through to the end. How I like them. But.

I remain somewhat unclear about what Bazball is and how it differs, if it does, from England’s attacking style from a few years ago. I hope it doesn’t become such a rigid idea that adaptability is sidelined.

Ben Stokes’ innings at Headingley in 2019 is arguably the ultimate demonstration of adapting your approach to the situation. And there is no way that his batting in the latter stage couldn’t be called exciting. But that was after he’d laid the groundwork of wearing the bowlers down. I’d like to see that mindset at the centre of England’s strategy.

This hot spell looks set to end in the next few days. I’m not a hot weather person really, although I do enjoy the cool and light early mornings and long evenings, just not so much the bit in between.

I haven’t run while we’ve had this weather, decided it wasn’t worth trying to acclimatise to it given it’s not due to last. Part of my policy of not expecting ‘perfection’ with the running. I shall go this weekend and am looking forward to it.

I wonder sometimes if anxiety is cyclical. I mentioned recently that it had been on the increase. That carried on until about a week ago and then suddenly seemed to subside. External factors haven’t changed particularly so I can’t attribute it to those. And I don’t think my mindset has changed either. So I don’t know. Perhaps I should keep a record, see if a pattern emerges.

I look back over the last few weeks and it seems kind of alien. As if that was another person. In fact, my wife had said at times it felt like there was a different person in the house.

I don’t like the impact this condition has on my family. It makes me sad. I wish it was something I could shuck off, like an unwanted skin. At the same time, anxiety feels so embedded, so much a part of my personality, I worry (there it is!) at what would be left. Would there be much of a person?

Enough rumination. Time for a run.

Since picking up the running again, I have managed to go once a week. So far, it’s actually been a run/walk. Starting small, not overreaching. According to Garmin, my training status is sitting firmly in the recovery zone, so I’m really not pushing myself much at the moment.

It’s more about building the habit at this stage.

I’m enjoying doing it. I look forward to going. Two important factors.

I’m not spending too much time researching the topic online. Honest, guv. This is where it can get tricky. Those tempting Rabbit Holes of the Interweb. It is fun learning and building knowledge but the capacity for that to get in the way of actually doing a thing is dangerous. Plus the all consuming nature of ‘research’ causing overexposure leading to mental fatigue and the inevitable giving up of a thing. That’s the bit I really want to avoid.